hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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