He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize