Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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