She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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