she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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