The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
