Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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