I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
