You smell like stripper and shame
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
We smell like vodka and hangover
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