i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
