I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Life without a bra equals bliss.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
