I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
