I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
