gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
