mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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