if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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