i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
