Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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