Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
