do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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