just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
