Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
