God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize