I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
