Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Apparently you make a good broom.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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