so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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