i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
