You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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