I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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