After last night, I could never be a politician.
my phone needs a breathalizer
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
