It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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