how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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