I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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