Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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