I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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