Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
