How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
