Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
