It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
