three words: i give head
three words: not that well
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
