I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
