I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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