I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
