just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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