Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
