I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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