I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He better not be in your backpack
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
