I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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