I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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