The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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