I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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