alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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