I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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