Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize