I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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