It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
