I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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