Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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