i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
