Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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